Dr K says "Can vanilla and kinky people mix? What kind of people are drawn to kink and BDSM to begin with? And what does cyber security have to do with kink? In this episode, we cover all these topics and so much more!"
A "much-needed discussion about destigmatizing kink and expanding our definition of a healthy relationship, as Tami and Stefani discuss: reassessing our sexual attitudes; how kinky became taboo; bringing kink into the “cultural redemption arc”; the misconceptions about trauma and kink; the concept of authority exchange; surrender and relaxation; kink as a relational, not a sexual, behavior; moving from secrecy to shared knowledge; decorating and enhancing one’s “core vanilla-ness”; discovering your fantasies; the nature of fetishes; understanding your erotic map; and more.
"Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow Podcast Episode 313: Kinky vs. Vanilla Navigating a Difference in Desires with Author and Therapist Stefani Goerlich. This was an epic discussion! She discussed how novelty inspires our brain’s arousal responses & we’d be bored if we were the carbon copy of our partners, She thinks hiding kinks is what leads to boring routine sex and dead bedrooms. She explained the scientific proof that kink can improve your life, increase the feel-good hormones in us, lower stress, increase closeness, and improve bonding. There have been actual scientific studies to prove this! She also addressed how to navigate differences in a relationship and how best to prevent contempt and shaming of a partner."
“Within the kink community, they hear that submissives are strong and that they are really the ones who hold the power in a power exchange relationship. Meanwhile, the general community tends to view submissive personalities as fragile, weak, or broken in some way. … This push-pull of being on a pedestal in one space and misunderstood in another can be really difficult for submissive folks,” she said. “The best people to understand what it means to move through the world as a submissive … is another submissive.”
"Degradation play is an activity that involves creating a consensual, pre-negotiated feeling of humiliation, worthlessness, shame, or embarrassment in someone... While masochism is often thought of as someone enjoying physical pain — and that's true for many — some masochists instead enjoy the way their bodies respond to these intense emotional sensations."
"Pain, in Emba’s framework, is harm, and Herbenick’s data is used to gird Emba’s claim that all bad sex is inherently harmful (if not via physical pain, then emotionally or spiritually). Her solution takes the form of restricting their sexual choices and agency, rather than addressing the physiological origins of the pain she describes or encouraging greater self-awareness and improved intimate negotiations skills. Because she takes the position that “some things should just be off limits” rather than advocating for increased agency and empowerment of women; her conclusions feel short-sighted and agenda-driven, rather than genuinely interested in understanding the causes of and remedies for sexual pain. For this woman reader, Emba’s view of women as passive victims of men, of capitalism, and of their own foolish choices felt degrading."
In this unconventional episode, Stefani shares with us what she talks at tech conferences and what is the number one thing that we techies can learn for better social interactions. She will explain how unspoken expectations harm our professional relationships and the need to be aware of our surroundings in order to better interpret social boundaries. We will explore the importance and difficulties of communication, and how to exercise empathy to understand how the people around us experience the world and create a fuller and better relationship with our peers.