"...for the most part, the people asking me “Is my kink okay?” aren’t engaged in these types of activities. They’re simply people who are unsure of what counts as “healthy” sexuality. People who have been raised with limited sexual education or with a high degree of sexual shame. They’re Lyft drivers and attorneys, stay-at-home parents and fitness trainers, students and retirees. They’re average, every day, people…who happen to be into some statistically less-than-average sexual practices. So, how do we know if someone’s kink is okay?"
“Sites dedicated to sharing the best of what's happening in the world right now are important resources. If you focus too much on the troublesome or overwhelming, it can start to feel like that's all that's happening.”
"I can’t help but believe that something has been lost, even as we discover ever more ways to indulge humanity’s desire for visual stimuli. If we’re not watching sex together, are we talking about sex together?"
“Parental disappointment, peer pressure, and pleasing an authority figure—any one of those, for an adult, is a difficult situation,” Stefani Goerlich, a sex-and-relationship therapist who works with trauma survivors, including children, told me. “When you’re five, staring down the end of the line, and it’s almost your turn with Santa, you’re dealing with all three at once.”
“It's okay to choose not to participate in faux straightness,” Goerlich continues. “It's okay to say — if only to yourself — that if you cannot be your authentic self, you're going to stay home. It's okay to decide that you're unwilling to lie about who you are or to hide your partner from your relatives. Give yourself permission to opt out of this paradigm.”
"One strategy can be to play dumb when someone says something insulting or offensive. Ask them to explain the comment. Often, when people are forced to extrapolate on their derogatory statements, it takes the wind out of them,” says Goerlich. “Insulting comments thrive when they are fed with laughter or nods of agreement. Someone making an abusive statement will rarely feel comfortable expanding upon their thought process.”
“Many clients are surprised to hear that their sessions are directed by their needs,” says therapist Stefani Goerlich. Hall agrees that you should, “expect to discuss all your reasons for coming to therapy during your first appointment. Your therapist might ask questions about your family history, your relationships, and your current level of functioning in order to best understand how to help.”
“People are only incompatible when they are unwilling to learn and respond to their partners needs,...Where there is willingness to adapt and grow, there is always the potential for long-term happiness.”